Tag: life

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This is the Pain

I am in pain. It started in November. It seems to happen every year, at the end of the year. In the fourth quarter my body just breaks down, stops working, and hurts. A year ago it was my knee, two years ago it was my neck, and before that it was my foot. It hurts and I hate it.

I end up doing physical therapy, get x-rays, an MRI, medication, and I suffer. I suffer. I often have to stop my activities, pause doing the things I love. This year I had hit 1,400 miles on my bike. I had this goal of 1,000 miles in 2025, I hit it, and was hoping for 2,000 but with only two rides in December I ended the year at 1,955 miles. Still amazing but I wish I had hit 2,000.

I did manage to ride to work for 50 days, which was amazing… And the thing is, I was loving life. Fall was amazing. I was biking every day, getting outside, getting exercise, not driving a car. It all came to a halt when the pain got too bad. There are some periods now when I can barely even walk.

The thing about this pain I have now, which was originally diagnosed as sciatica, is that it’s become so unpredictable, and so painful. I guess the discs in my lower back and garbage, and it’s causing nerve pain, and it’s so, so bad. Some days I am in pain for a few hours, and some days it’s 10+ hours. When the pain is gone I am mostly fine, unless I sit in a desk chair for too long. I’ve been doing the “set a timer, sit and work for 20 minutes, then get up to stretch and move” routine for months now.

I’ve been to urgent care, where I was lying on the floor nearly crying before they saw me. And don’t worry, I’ve been crying at home when it’s been excruciating pain for more than an hour. Again it sucks… it sucks so much.

One thing I didn’t realize about the pain in my body is the pain it would cause my head. I am on medication that can cause dizziness and drowsiness, but also the pain just clouds your mind. It’s difficult to think clearly or focus when part of your body is in such pain. I’ve been missing work, falling behind on projects and tasks around the house, and just… trying to take it easy and heal, because really, I have no other choice. The “take it easy” part is not easy for me… and the healing is not here yet.

I also totally get how someone could get addicted to pain killers. If you gave me drugs that made the pain go away I would want them every time I was in pain. And I’m in pain a lot. That said I am following all guidelines for the medication I am taking because I know that’s the right thing to do. Meanwhile I’ve been using/trying heating pads, massagers, a TENS unit, lidocaine patches, an acupressure mat, and absolutely anything else non-drug I can think of… Some of it seems to help, but it’s just temporary relief.

I’m scheduled to see a doctor soon, and weeks out from an MRI unless we can speed that up. But I gotta say, life is rarely enjoyable these days.

Part of this is getting old I guess. It’s a reminder that disability will come for us all eventually. And it’s also depressing. It’s difficult to not feel hopeless, that you’ll ever be okay and feel good again. In previous years it was bad, but it felt temporary. Right now I am at the point where I am worried it will never get better, but I have to reject that diagnosis and remain hopeful, but damn… it’s hard to do.

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The Book of Pete

There’s a very good chance I’m going to die. Hopefully not soon, but you never know. At the end of every calendar year my body breaks down, it gives up. Usually I end up doing physical therapy, some doctor visits, and either end up in the emergency room or urgent care, and each time I learn about a new way my body is failing me.

The recent death of Rob Reiner is just another reminder that when you die, people look to your work and the kind of person you were, and hopefully they think fondly of you and what you brought into the world. So many have spoken so kindly about Reiner. My introduction to his work was Spinal Tap. I’m pretty sure it was my friend Milt who showed up with a VHS copy of it and said “Dude, we gotta watch this!” and it was glorious. We even went to see Spinal Tap when they came to play in Milwaukee.

But, back to me and my failing body… When my cat Tink passed away in 2021, it hit me hard. She played a huge role in getting me through 2020 when I faced a pandemic, job loss, job change, another job change, and going through therapy. That cat remained a constant loving companion to me, and writing and reading about her comforted me greatly. You can see what I wrote in The Tinkerbell Pamphlet. I’ve advised others to write about their pets after they’ve passed away, and I hope it helped.

Besides the cats, I have a loving partner, and other family members I will leave behind. There’s a chance some of them do not know me as much as they would like to (or have liked to) because in many ways I am a closed person. Sure, I’ve been publishing since the 1980s but like any good publisher I don’t share everything. I also do a lot of weird things my family and (many) friends don’t really understand. (And that’s okay!)

While “blogging” at it’s start was very much about sharing your opinion about things on the (new) World Wide Web, I have an archive that starts in 1997 and goes on to today. It’s not the greatest writing, it’s not groundbreaking, but it is mine. And my hope after I’m gone is that the site gets hosted long enough for the people who knew me and cared about me get a chance to explore it. To see what I thought, what I did, what I made, the images I created, the weird music and videos I shared with the world. This web site is, for lack of a better term, “The Book of Pete”.

I don’t want this to be dark, because I want to keep living for a few more decades, but I also want to encourage others to view blogging as a legacy they can leave behind. You’ll make mistakes, you’ll get things wrong, but if you use those failings as opportunities to learn and grow, then I think that’s pretty cool.

There are people having the conversation about what happens to your digital footprint once you are gone, and how it can/should be maintained or preserved or archived, and it’s not something I’ve dug into yet, but in the grand scheme everything is ephemeral. We as people, our work, our digital output… it all fades away in time.

And I guess I’m looking for a way to make it last a little bit longer.

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The Code Struggle

I struggled with some code this week. I knew what I needed to code to do, based on the behavior of the device I was building, but getting to the point where the code did exactly what I wanted took some time. I made mistakes, I had to test things repeatedly, I had to add code to show me exactly what was happening… and in the end, it worked.

I’d say that 95% of the code I write nowadays is pretty simple (for me) and I get it right on the first try. The other 5% is maybe a bit of a challenge and some is just challenging to me.

But… I like the challenge.

I would rather struggle with the code and find a solution, and celebrate the outcome than just have some fucking AI robot write the code for me.

I know, some people would rather just get the answer, have it handed to them, skip the work, and move on. Life should be easy, not a struggle!

But it’s through the struggle that we become who we are, how we learn about ourselves, and others, and the world around us.

What great achievement has been taken place without some form or struggle? Without working towards something better?

The Billionaire Ruling Class know nothing of struggle, because everything has been handed to them. Perhaps that’s why they try to shove AI down our throats. They assume everyone wants the easy answers.

I’m thinking of lyrics from two different hardcore bands right now that are a perfect fit for this post… and maybe that’s part of why I am the way I am, because some guys in a punk band 30 years ago recognized the same thing and wrote words and music and piled in a van and drove around playing to small crowds and screaming and connecting with people who felt the same.

Life should be about always seeking answers, always gathering knowledge, it’s an exploration, it’s a journey, and there is no shortcut or magic answer key that will solve the mysteries of life for you.

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Be Kind, Rewind

VHS Tapes

Hey remember video tapes? You’d rent them at a store, take them home, watch them, and then return them… but did you rewind it to the beginning so it was ready for the next person?

I remember that my dad got a tape rewinder because there was this fear of overuse and burning out of the motor in your VCR (Video Cassette Recorder). Unlike cassette audio tapes VHS tapes were not double-sided so rewinding was sort of important.

And yes, there is a movie called Be Kind Rewind and Beastie Boys do say “Be kind rewind” in the song OK. Anyway, it’s a fun phrase that can be used in many ways.

But… at some point “Be Kind, Please Rewind” became “Rewind or Be Fined” and man, that’s just cruel.

We went from “Hey, be cool and help out the next person.” to “Fuck you. Do what I say or I’ll take your money!”

That seems the way of the world for so many. Cruelty seems to be something that many people enjoy… but why? Dissatisfaction with their own lives? Unfounded hatred or fear? Hell if I know, and I wish it would stop… So remember the phrase “Be Kind, Rewind” and try to live by those words… or at least the first two words. Be Kind.

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Authority & People

I was recently thinking about laws and specifically obeying laws. I’ve never considered myself a person who just blindly follows the rules or bows to power. I’ve always tried to question authority, especially when authority seems to make no sense.

But a lot of my actions would appear to follow the laws we have, but it’s typically due to two reasons…

First, breaking laws can result in monetary fines or incarceration, and since I am not part of the ruling class fines are not just the “cost of doing business” and I don’t like being incarcerated.

Second, I tend to follow laws that fall in line with respect for other people. I don’t drive like an asshole violating traffic laws because I don’t want to cause harm to others… and I hope that others feel the same way and that their actions reflect that.

We should question authority, not just blindly follow rules that make no sense… but we should also do our best to be respectful and kind to one another. It’s the only way we’re gonna make it through this world.